This year so far has definitely been different compared to last year. So many subtle changes even though everything appears to be the same.
Changes in Work Perspective
Admittedly, I was spiraling out of control with how I reacted to work most especially late last year. I was coming into the office with a genuine fear. And as Master Yoda once said "Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering". That pretty much spells out how bad it got for me on the last few months of 2010.
The result of which is that not only was I affected so intensely about work, that I started affecting people around me in the office as well. People started harboring animosity and a general feeling that they need to avoid me. It took a person to get pissed at me before I started realizing what I was doing. Venting started to become extremely unhealthy and largely hurtful to others with the harsh words that would come out of my mouth.
Good serious talks with my Dad over the holidays really instilled some much needed perspective in me. For the first time, I have a new found respect for my Dad. Most, if not all, our discussions almost always end up in an argument. Perhaps it was also changes in his outlook on life at the time that paved the way for some of the most meaningful conversations I've had with my Dad. When we came across differences of opinion, we backed down and tried to the understand the other. What touched me the most was when my Dad started referencing how I was when I was a kid as a means to explain his suggestion or advice.
One of the options that my Dad suggested was to stay in my current company and see things through until the end. He said...
"You love this industry. When you were young, I watched you play game after game on your PC or whatever console you had at the time. I remember you would go to the library often just to borrow programming books, so you can make your own games. I see a future for you where you're managing a whole team focused on creating games. This is what I see for you."
(That's not an exact direct quote from him. But that's as close as I can remember. LOL!)
/queue-in teary eyed moment
It was the first time that my Dad really spoke like he knew me well. During the course of other points he made about my work situation, I felt such a cathartic relief that I even looked up articles on the net regarding excessive complaining, etc. to improve my behavior.
I found two articles surrounding a "complaint budget", where it talks about thinking twice about complaining about something trivial and just let it go. Save the complaining for something heavier so to speak.
The net result of all this is that I have a fresher perspective on things. Recent key resignations in my company has resulted in work starting to all pile back on me. But somehow, I have been complaining less and less and just try my best. People in the office hardly notice it. But that doesn't matter to me. What's important for me is that I stop accumulating so much anger and hate working in an industry that I absolutely love.
Change in Relationships/Friendships
The former change is the most important of all. But I'll take the time to briefly glean over this second change. The former obviously trumps the latter.
I have lost friendships even further the last few months. Close friendships at that. Without getting into the details as to what lead to this situation (whether it is because of expressing one's feelings for someone, or blurting out harsh words that I obviously regret uttering, etc.) is really a moot point. No amount of apology for wronging people apparently can mend those lost relationships. This has left me relatively isolated.
As I'm finding myself complaining less and less, I also speak of whatever issues and concerns I do have to people less and less. And coincidentally I am finding that I have less and less people around for me to express those feelings.
Perhaps it's just my paranoia, but it also seem like these people look at me with some level of avoidance and disgust, like I'm a leper. Being a geek ever since I was a kid, I'm no stranger to people looking at me with apprehension. So just like my young geeky self has always done, I can take my lunch tray to the far end of the school cafeteria.
I do miss those people dearly (some more than others). It is most unfortunate that things have turned out this way. That less and less people have a genuine concern for my welfare as much as I am concerned about theirs. But I am reminded once again who are my closest of friends and confidants. Those are the ones that actually initiate asking how I am and have something more of weight to share with me beyond the trivial. I can literally count them in one hand and they know who they are. And I will keep these few people close, treat them well, and be by their side for a long time.
Changes happen here and there. Some are good. Some are bad. The good changes in my life lately deserve a pat on the back to myself on their own merit. I will keep moving forward. I am destined for bigger and better things. Whoever wants to share in it and join me are most welcome.
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