Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Irony of Health, Understanding, and Reliance on Others

It's regular weekly maintenance for World of Warcraft tonight. I'm left relatively lost as to what I want to do with what little free time I have tonight. The night is about to end anyway. So I won't have to worry about what to do for very much longer. Tomorrow will be back to the grind for me. I'll just jot down some of my thoughts that have been lingering around in my head before I hit the sack. Of course, I like trifecta topic blog posts as always. I'll just jump in head first and download all my 3 topics in this post.

(Writing this post while listening to John Mayer's new album "Battle Studies". I just got it so might as well give it a good once over)

Irony of Health

I've been going to an ENT doctor for the past 3-4 weeks regarding my recent sore throat bouts. I was diagnosed with Laryngopharyngeal Reflux (LPR). All the years of Coke drinking, cigarette smoking, boozing, and then some has finally caught up with me. Apparently, my throat is sore not because of some inflammation or infection, but because my stomach acids rise up while I'm sleeping and nestle around my larynx and vocal chords.

For these past 3-4 weeks, I've been drinking nothing but water just to help my recovery along. I've actually gotten used to just drinking water. But it does get frustrating to not be able to go on alcohol drinking binges every weekend.

I read on the net that losing a little weight helps people with my condition. So this is my 2nd week of going to the gym 4 days a week. I finally get to use the gym in my appartment building again. It's a lot less embarrassing to work out there compared to going to a gym like Fitness First. At least I can deal with my own frailty and physical weakness on my own. My gym sessions are mostly about cardio on the treadmill. I've gotten up to doing 2 miles each time I hit the tread mill. I'm now trying to lessen the time it takes me to finish 2 miles. I'll eventually get there I suppose. I just hope I don't get lazy.

The only downside of going to the gym is that I seem to go on gluttony-mode on those days. The treadmill I use has a read-out on how many calories I burn. But I'm pretty sure the uber large amounts of food I eat on those days is about twice or thrice as much calories than what I've burnt. So I don't know if this working out thing will be good for me in the long run. LOL!

Although I have lessened it, I haven't been able to stop smoking cigarettes entirely. I suppose 2 out of 3 is good enough. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself anyway. And it's not like anybody but myself cares about my health.

Just today, I just had a video stroboscopy at Medical City. I got annoyed at my HMO Intellicare because they put all this red tape on me last minute for them to shoulder the procedure. After I saw the girl taking care of my LOA request filing her nails. I just flipped and told them I'll pay for the procedure with my own money. Stupid HMOs. There's so much process involved that I think they've lost sight that they need to provide better service to their clients. And here I thought Maxicare sucked. Intellicare is much worse.

The results of my stroboscopy did show that some areas of larynx is slightly swollen. But other than that, everything is normal. The doctor even noted that my larynx and vocal chords seem to be very well hydrated. Guess all the water drinking really does have an effect. I took a picture of the report with snapshots of my larynx. I was surprised that my larynx didn't look as bad as I thought it would. Guess my friend Gil who was sure on what my larynx would look like was dead wrong (HA!). I'll bring the results of my stroboscopy back to the ENT doctor I've been consulting tomorrow. Something tells me this doctor is just "milking the cow" unnecessarily. But I'll just go ahead with it anyway.

I should be fine in another week or so I think. I just need the medicine to stabilize me further. And hopefully I can go party again. But for now, just water, hit the treadmill Tuesdays/Thursdays/Saturdays/Sundays, will have to do.

Irony of Understanding

I've been rather irritable at work lately. I've been taking things personally with both work related and personal issues with officemates. Being a VP in my company, I've always been the one to try to understand everybody when it comes to both professional and personal issues. However, as of late, I've kinda refused to be the one to always understand. Complete forgiveness in even petty things is placed on the shelf for me for now.

It's just funny that even though I am one of the few executives in my company, that I'm usually the oversight. I guess people in the office have gotten used to me being so nice and understanding all the time. That they can't tell if they're maltreating me as an executive in the company. Heck, there are new managers with more space on their desks or even have their own office. I seem to be the escalation queue for people who can't resolve issues between each other internally. Mr. Fix-It all the time, I swear. It's my job to resolve issues in the office. It's my job to understand everybody. But people in the office don't really take the time to understand where I'm coming from as well. Is that too much to ask? Can't an executive ask for that out of people below him? I guess that's never the case. My boss asks that of me unconsciously all the time, and yet time and time again, I extend that understanding to him no matter how much I disagree. But I suppose I don't get the same executive benefit.

I also seem to be construed as a bank in the office. People assume that I'm so "well-off" that borrowing money from me for any emergency under the sun is a viable option for them. Nevermind that I can't refuse because it'll prevent their Dad from getting admitted to the hospital or they'll be short before their next pay check comes in. Nevermind that they can just delay their payment indefinitely or just never pay the debt back. And nevermind that they can go buy something expensive even though they haven't paid their debt to me yet (and flaunt that expensive thing in my face as if I didn't mind at all). Ironically, when there will come a time that it will be my turn to borrow, that none of these people can really help me in return. Apologies and gratitude from these people seems so shallow to me these days. After the apologies and gratitude are uttered, then all of sudden they act as if there was never a debt made, nor was there anything wrong done to me. Oh well, I didn't realize that people can be so manhid. It's either that or people are truly conniving and evil. Which one is it really?

Irony of Reliance on Others

Given the first two themes that I just explained above. I've gotten this general feeling that I can't really rely or ask anything of anybody.

I got so disappointed in myself that I don't have more in my savings to be able to invest in the high-end bar that my friend is putting up. And yet people come to me for money when they have emergencies. When it's time for me to put money to something I've always wanted to do, I can't do it, nor can I borrow that kind of money from anybody. I feel frustrated at the fact that I will miss out on an opportunity that will make my life worthwhile. And yet my money is put to good use for other people's lives. I suppose I can just revel in the fact that I can provide the funds to take care of my parents. But I want something more out of all the hard work I put in my job.

With all the doctor's visits, and my innate dislike of HMOs and hospitals. I often have to fend for myself when I'm sick. One of my direct reports in the office has helped me by looking up my ENT doctor's schedule (which I found out I could've done myself because she just looked it up online), and even make the appointment for my video stroboscopy. But ironically, the last favor she did for me, she didn't bother finding out what the full procedure is in dealing with Intellicare, that I ended up shelling out a lot of money for the procedure on my own anyway.

And to think that I had to rush deposit my rent money as soon as I was done in Medical City because my landlord might've cashed in my rent check. I wasn't able to deposit my rent money because, lo and behold, I lent my rent money to an officemate in need. And I got the money back from her too late Friday to make it in time to deposit it in the bank.

Where does this leave me? It has dawned on me that I can't really ask anybody for help. I have to help myself. I know I'm not doing a bang-up job in taking care of myself. But I have to because no one else will help me. I'm forcing myself to say that I don't need anybody. It will have to be that way, else things in my life will start falling apart.

Coincidentally, I'm writing this last sentence in my blog post while the last song of John Mayer's "Battle Studies" album is playing. I suppose it's a sign that I should end here and hit the sack. Goodnight Dos. Sleep well.