Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Irony Of It All

As I stay up this night, waiting for clients who seem to think that everyone in this world is living in the same time zone, I realize that so much has happened and I haven't mentioned even a word of it in here. I suppose I took the clichet "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all" a little too much to heart with this blog. I guess I have this weird notion that the appearance of having things all good after strings of rant posts would amount to something. I can't imagine what that would be exactly. Hence, my current decision to post my stream of thought down in a non-sensical diary-esque post.

Before anything else, I would like to ask any person that reads this who essentially assumes that any depressing content is an indication of wrist slashing emo-ness. Scram I tell you, Scram. I've had a number of hater comments in this blog.  But as I look back at it, I just laugh because of those people's yearning for comparison, only really to elevate themselves for their own self esteem. So if any of you have anything non-constructive to say, once again, beat it.

(Anyway, back to regular programming)

The truth of the matter is, I am quite unsure if I'm okay. To add to the irony, I have spoken to a number of people about my professional well-being (or non-well-being), even though I have refrained uttering the same words in here. I am seen as a leader in the workplace by virtue of not only rank and position, but also due to strength, resiliency, and the ability to navigate through complex situations under pressure. My words to people lately have not reflected that totemic reputation. Admittedly, I am at wit's end. I can't see myself far into the future, yet I always prided myself in the fact that I think 4-5 chess moves ahead of the rest of the flock. Weirdly enough, I can't see several chess moves ahead anymore with my current clouded situation. I seek to be heard by people who are so blinded by their own perspective and ambition. And in the process, I neglect to be careful how my words affect others who do listen.

The fruits of my neglect has recently resulted in a person's decision to move on from their current line of work. And as much as she tried to sugar-coat it, there was no skirting the fact that my words to her recently triggered that decision. It now makes me wonder how many other people I have affected in this manner that have yet to manifest the causal effect that I have unconciously initiated.

But where exactly do you find a balance with these things? I find venting up (which is essentially talking to just one guy) utterly useless. This is in no way a lack of trying to do so. My efforts, however, fall on deaf ears. The only recourse is to share one's frustrations with the relationships one has formed in the workplace. And that in itself, is the concern and the fear that I speak of in this post.

Beyond just the need to be heard, or to reach out to someone for some semblance of a connection. I stay up this night because of an unmotivated determination to at least attempt to see things through until the end. The end is so unclear and hazy to me at the moment for the first time in 2 years. Given a squashed personal life, my professional life has been at the center of my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. How do I express these feelings without affecting others. Or is this cross I have to bear, really meant to only be carried by the leader?

I feel empty and yet I keep trudging and crawling to what seems to be a cliff that I will eventually heave myself off of. But I guess I'm supposed to keep these emotions to myself to remain professional.

Some leader huh?