Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Irony of it All, Part 2: Family Relief and Blind Trust

I spent Christmas Eve to Christmas morning with my parents and my little sister. It was a welcome and long overdue break, given that I haven't had any form of a break for practically the entire year. I took this opportunity to fill my family in on what's been going on with me the past months. It felt good to get it off my chest over lunch. I could tell my Dad wanted to interject his opinion on every opportunity. But my Mom and sister would stop him whenever he was about to, which gave me a chance to mention all the details. I know my Dad means well. It's just in him to provide his input when a problem is presented.

I went back to work despite my boss saying that I should take Christmas Eve to the weekend off. But I knew that I needed to work on stuff that couldn't be delayed to next week. My paranoia was right once again, apparently.

My family picked me up later that day and we went back home to my parents' house. I was saddened because I only got a chance to buy a Christmas gift for my little sister, not for my parents. Of course, they said that they understood and it's perfectly fine. But I still feel bad about it. My sister absolutely loved the planner that I got for her (Thanks to Euri for including me with her planner order).

After a while, my parents went back upstairs to turn-in, leaving myself and my sister just talking and catching up. I ended up opening up about my work once again. My Dad overheard our conversation and popped his head from upstairs to give his input. I ended up crying because I was feeling at a loss. I understood everything my little sister and my Dad said. But I suppose it didn't relieve me as much as I expected. This is the first irony these past few days. I am grateful for my family. What little relief I got by just talking to them is probably the most I've gotten this past year. I love my family. I probably don't show it as much as I should. I should really change that.

I played a gig last night at Briggs' and Charles' second office Christmas party. Their support departments felt that they needed to celebrate Christmas the second time around. The gig was fun despite me not being able to join them for practice earlier in the week. Looks like I still got my jamming skills. Their officemates turned us into a jukebox after a while. I was rolling my eyes and was amused at the same time, as they kept requesting this or that song. Got to have laughs with complete strangers. They were good people. Charles offered to bring me home after. So we stayed at the venue for a bit to catch up. Told him a little about what's going on with me, and so did he right back. Charles is a good friend. Too bad we both just don't have much time to hang. His wife once told me that if their wedding wasn't so rushed that Charles wanted to have me as his best man. I suppose Charles would be one of my first choices for best man if and when I get married some day. Good talk, Charles. We should do that more often.

Fast forward to today, after spending a few hours working with my boss, I came home to my appartment. My boss and I spoke about the difficulty to trust people given what people who work for us have done in the past. That caution needed to be taken to prevent dishonesty and unethical activities to happen. But I also told him that I can't function without trusting people. He pointed out that it seems to be in my nature to trust and that's part of my management style. I don't see that as a bad thing. The second ironic thing about the past few days is that with our dinner meeting, I now have to trust my boss with what he wants to do. And despite admitting that I have difficulty trusting people, I end up admitting to myself that I have to trust my boss with the plan that he has in mind. If I don't trust him in this juncture, then the only other recourse is to quit. And I'm not about to quit just yet.

As the weekend winds down, I feel a weight in my chest for some odd reason. I usually don't feel this way unless something traumatic happens to me. And work with all its pressure, has never increased the weight of my chest before. I'm actually nervous to work tomorrow, and the days and weeks to come. Not quite sure why I'm feeling this way. But I know I'm writing this blog post because I don't really have anyone to talk to about how I feel. At least not at the moment. Perhaps sleep will help. I'm sure I'll figure things out soon. I always do. Just not sure how I'm going to go about that this time.


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