I haven't blogged in a while. I've been consuming most of my free time playing this game called Dekaron. I've mentioned this game quite a few times in this blog. Although I have a number of other things to blog about right now, I decided to blog about my epiphany because in the end I only have myself to talk to about those things.
Yes, I talk to myself. If that weirds you out, there's this little red square with an "X" on it on the top right corner of your browser. Click on it. My weirdness goes away.
I wanted to talk about the concept of understanding, and why I have come to realize that you can never expect any person to utilize it other than yourself.
This past year, I've grown to take a step back and understand people more. I suppose this came with age because I never used to be this way 5-6 years ago. In retrosepect, I had a lot of arrogance in me back then. When I started working for a living, I somehow strayed from the insecure geek that I used to be. I suppose the quick promotions and sudden influx of new friends got to my head. Going through the rigors of working for money, dealing with personalities in the workplace, and throwing personal emotions into the mix, has taught me to be humble. It's a good thing that since then, I've come back down from the high-horse I was riding.
Slowly, I grew mature enough to realize that I really didn't have so many friends. The term friends started to be classified to many categories like "casual friends", "musician friends", etc. The actual real friends that I have, I can count with my fingers. But today, I realize it's even fewer than I thought.
As a good friend to someone, I try to understand their perspective. I've grown to be slow to anger these days. So shifting to understanding is much easier for me than in the past. And if I don't understand right away, I take the time to hear someone out until I get their point. I'm generally like that. But I'm also not completely consistent with that in every situation in life. I am still human, afterall. But what happens most often is that with every situation, I look at fault in myself as a first action. And hence, the understanding begins as the next action.
Having a relationship or even just a good friendship with someone, you would think that understanding is at the core of it. That's suppose to be how you get along. So when you are in a relationship or a friendship, you would come to expect a certain level of understanding from the other. Even if you only expect it once in a blue moon, there will be a situation where you will ask the other to please understand, and not have to utter the words to actually ask for it.
I thought relationships could be one-sided. But apparently friendship can be one-sided too at times. On rare moments, when you would hope for understanding from the other. You find out that never you had the right to expect it in the first place. That your connection with someone only entails, that for the duration of that connection, you are only to understand the other. And that's it.
This is the very fear I have. The people who mean something to me are growing less and less. The decrease caused by off chances that I make a mistake of actually hoping for understanding from another person. Then you realize you can't even ask for anything in general. People give you only what they feel like giving you. I keep losing people in my life because of my notion that I can actually ask someone for something back, no matter how much you've given to them.
So is this how things are going to be regardless of what degree you have a connection with someone? That I will always look at what fault I've done? That I have always say I'm sorry even when at times I'm not in the wrong?
The answer to that question is YES, regardless if it is a friendship, intimate relationship, work relationship, etc. And knowing that tells me I'm destined to be completely alone.
When everybody else leaves you, you're family is always there. And I am one of the lucky ones that has a nice family that's intact with little or no complications. So as I write this post, I start talking to myself once again.
"I don't miss the people that leave or walk away from me."
"I miss my family because at least I can expect them to understand me in certain situations... just because they are family."
"I miss my two sisters who I can really talk to."
"Perhaps I should really head off to the States to join them."
"I've got all the toys I want and no one to share it with over here."
"I miss having a conversation without holding something back."
"I better shut up now."
END OF LINE...